Life · Personal

Letter to Mom….Response

As you can see, a couple of days ago I wrote a letter to my mother and posted it. I have not spoken to her since 2010 until I wrote that letter to her. Through everything with my parents it has always been my dad whom I have had bits and pieces of communication with.

In my teen years I was never into drugs, never drinking, never out late. I got good grades in school and had a part time job AND was a cheerleader. I never really hung out with friends after school and on the weekends I helped my parents with things around the house. I don’t understand what they think I did.

Now, I was not 100% honest. In my defense I was a teenager and I wanted things for me. They had a phone time limit, a computer time limit unless it was for school, things like that. I would stay on the phone over my time, I set up a Facebook they didnt know about & I knew they didnt want me to have one, I was dumb and got a tattoo 2 days before my 18th birthday, and I was dating a guy of a different race. I also had a guy over 1 time when they were out.

While at the time I wasnt thinking of the consequences, I understand the things I did werent right, but were they this wrong?? Even then, I have apologized to my parents multiple times and I am grown up now. I have a good job, I go to school full time, I do nothing illegal, I lead a good life, I have a good honest man. I love God, my few friends & my significant other. So what am I doing wrong??

So anyways, to my surprise I did get a response from my mother to my letter. Not the one I had hoped. In fact, it made me totally break down and feel ultimately defeated.  I thought for sure my mother would want a relationship with me, its my mother after all. I was so excited and I thought for sure I would hear her say “I just didnt want to make your father mad, of course I want you in my life! Can I see you soon?” Or something to that extent…Thats not what happened…

If you havent read the letter I wrote to her, here it is:

https://faithengen101.wordpress.com/2015/12/01/letter-to-mom/

She emailed me so here it is, copied and pasted:

“FAITH
 I RECEIVED YOUR NOTE TODAY. JUST FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I DO NOT WANT ANY MORE DRAMA IN MY LIFE. YOU SHOULD CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY THAT YOUR DAD TOOK THE TIME TO RESPOND TO YOU BEFORE WHEN YOU SENT A LETTER HERE. I WOULD NOT RETURN YOUR CALL BECAUSE I HAVE MADE THE CHOICE TO LEAVE ALL THIS HEADACHE WITH YOU & YOUR SISTER BEHIND. YOU WERE GIVEN PLENTY OF CHANCES TO TURN YOUR LIFE AROUND WHEN YOU LIVED HERE. I WILL NOT CONTINUE TO BE BOTHERED WITH YOUR LETTERS OR PHONE CALLS. MAKE SURE THAT YOU UNDERSTAND THAT NOW THAT YOU WANT A RESPONSE FROM ME.CONTINUE YOUR LIFE THE WAY YOU HAVE BEEN WITHOUT ME.
 ALSO I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING, YOUR DAD & I HAVE HAD ENOUGH HURT FOR MANY LIFETIMES . WE HAVE ALWAYS COUNTED ON EACH OTHER & STILL DO. IF YOU THINK FOR 1 MINUTE IF I WANTED TO KEEP A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU, I WOULD LET HIM STAND IN MY WAY? IF HE STILL WANTED A RELATIONSHIP WITH EITHER OF YOU GIRLS, HE CAN HAVE AT IT. I WOULD NOT STAND IN HIS WAY. I FEEL THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR BUT YOUR BEST BET IS TO CONTINUE YOUR LIFE JUST AS YOU HAVE BEEN. I WANT NO PART OF IT.  WANDA”
Everything was in CAPS so I wonder if that is her asserting a point?? First off, I do not consider myself lucky anytime my dad responds to me..he is an angry man. He has a past of childhood abuse and he has never properly dealt with that. I truly feel it still affects him.
Second, a mom just said that she chose basically to forget the fact that she has two daughters. Two life that you made, that grew inside of you, that you raised. I am so sorry that your youngest daughter bothered you with a letter…
As far as hurt they have suffered, my sister had a lot going on. Mental issues including suicidal attempts and eating disorders.
I think the worst part is reading that she wants no part of my life..this woman, i dont know this woman any more. I remember when I was..maybe 10, my mother was grilling dinner and I was standing there talking to her. I remember exactly what I said “Mom, I will always love you through thick and thin.” I meant it, I just didnt realize that her feelings were not mutual…

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