Memories, Heartbreaks, and Missing You…

 Today is just one of those days…

….When I constantly have you on my mind…

…….When I miss you…want you…need you.

Those of you who follow my blog pretty regularly have read all about my family issues and such. It is not too often that I share this information. It makes me uncomfortable to talk about it for fear of judgment or sympathy. Writing it however got it out in the air, off of my chest, and without me having to look at people’s reactions.

As proud of myself as I am and as independent as I am, every girl needs her mother. Unfortunately I have no way of speaking with mine. I am about sick and tired of it too, let’s be honest.

What kind of mother disowns the child she carried for 9 months! I don’t blame you though..I know you love him but I don’t know why. And my feelings are just hurt to know that in spite of everything you chose him over me. You chose a man over your own child.  Typical insecure woman….but you aren’t. You never were! You have always been so strong, hot-headed, and independent. Where the hell do you think I got that from?! You never used to give a damn what anyone thought of you. But look at you…he controls you and you let him. That is abuse you know? He might not be hitting you…He may not even raise his voice at you. But there are other forms of abuse. I think you are being emotionally abused. Psychologically abused. He did it to your kids, he physically abused your children, why would he not do the same to you? His control is a form of psychological abuse. The way he secludes you from your own parents and your own children. Mom you barely ever even had any friends. I can remember a total of TWO times that you have gone out with girls to a movie or something. He is a control freak. Yet you won’t see it and you won’t leave him.

I pray for you constantly. I pray for us. I want you in my life. I no longer have a mother to share my dreams with. To tell her where I am, what I am doing and ask “what do I do now?” when I feel completely beaten down by life. You aren’t here to help me get dressed at my wedding or give me advice about the man I plan to marry. What happens when and if I marry this man and in a few years we hit a rough patch? You should be here to tell me what to do and how to keep my marriage with my husband. I promise if you were here I would set aside some time every single Sunday afternoon to have lunch with you and just be around you. I miss you so much, you were my best friend. How do I handle this? How can it have come to this? You’re so beautiful and I wish you could see how beautifully I have grown because I look just like you. I wish you could meet my dog, Maddie. You would really like her. I wish you could help me study for my Mid-Terms coming up and that you could come over to the apartment, have a glass of wine and watch Sleepless in Seattle with me. I know you really like Tom Hanks. You always wanted someone to go walking with you so you could have someone to just talk to, I’M RIGHT HERE!  I wish you could meet my boyfriend. I think we are going to get married one day. Mom you would like him. I also think you would be giving me a lot of advice about him too because we are both so hot-headed that we clash. We have gotten much better but I am so stubborn…I wish you were here just to say “Baby, you gotta let up a little.” 

I still have a hard time believing that this is what we have come to. I just hope you know I love you & you have missed out on so much. I want to try to get in touch with you again but your husband screens everything! Why did you chose that over us? I keep praying and hoping that when I do it it touches you & you think of me. I hope that God makes something move in you and you wake up from this nightmare and you find me. I would forget everything I swear, I would never bring it up again and we can be together pretending you have been here the whole time.

Unfortunately that will never happen….After hearing you tell me you never wanted to speak to me again, years ago. That day cut me the worst. I also know he was standing right there. Did you say that for him or do you truly mean it? Is a marriage to that man person that important? I promise if you left him you would never be alone. There’s nothing more I can do at this point so I will continue to pray. Maybe one day you will see this for what it really is….hopefully before its too late.

I love you ❤

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